Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?