I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay