Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
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My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child