My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
me irl
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.