WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?