Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back