Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
❤️❤️❤️
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them