Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea