JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I am having an out of money experience.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I would move hell over six inches for you
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Customize Your Wedding.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves