Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
You have been warned.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy