I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.