[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
wishing you and yours all the best
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats