Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Safety first
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.