Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?