ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
🙋♀️
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.