I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃