Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
#oldknees
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it