When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
no refunds
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.