ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.