garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
This will teach them to underestimate me
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda