My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.