I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet