As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Not all heroes wear capes…
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I love the honesty
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.