“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Oops I deleted….
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
i will not be silenced
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.