When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Stop.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you