Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?