my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
incredible
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
this came to me in a vision
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.