tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Writing, She Murdered.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
cats when you pet them too long:
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.