Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
You Might Also Like
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
This is not me but this is me
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!