It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff