[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight