i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.