When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Would you wear it?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Fluff me with a fork baby
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.