Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
how high up are we talkin’?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
marvel comics have peaked
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?