Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t