ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults