If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Go girl power!
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else