Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
You Might Also Like
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
He’s cranky this morning
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?