I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that