Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
shampoo implies shampee
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Strange
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”