It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?