Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
This is my favorite one of these!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.