#inspiration #foodforthought
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.