Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher