Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
saving face 👀
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.