[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days