Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]