My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
You Might Also Like
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Yup.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Monday
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.