If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I hope this email punches you square in the face
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Thinking about Jeff
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.