[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
s
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i
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*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.